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TheOinkFather

 

CARLO SMITH IS FIXING HIS TIE IN THE MIRROR PREPARING TO GO OUT.  CONNIE POKEY PORKLEONE ENTERS THE ROOM

 

Connie Pokey Porkleone:  Dinner is on the table…

 

Carlo Smith:  I’m not hungry (ignoring pokey and fixing his tie)

 

Connie Pokey Porkleone:  You just told me to fix you dinner

 

Carlo Smith:  Hey Bafangool, eh!  Leave me alone!

 

Connie Pokey Porkleone:  Bafangool you!  (running out of the room crying)

 

CONNIE POKEY PORKLEONE STARTS BREAKING DISHES ON THE GROUND

 

Carlo Smith:  You little rodent brat…That’s it, break it all, break it all

 

Connie Pokey Porkleone:  Why don’t you bring your whore home for dinner

 

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Carlo Smith:  Maybe I will…or maybe I will just stiff arm you like Andre Williams, the leading rusher in the NCAA in 2013 did to his opponents all last season…now clean it up!

 

Connie Pokey Porkleone:  Like hell I will

 

Carlo Smith:  (removing his belt) I said clean it up!

 

Connie Pokey Porkleone:  (grabbing a kitchen knife) Keep away from me you sonovabitch!

 

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Carlo Smith:  Go ahead, you spoiled rodent…kill me…all you Porkleones are murderers

 

Connie Pokey Porkleone:  I hate you!  (dropping the knife and running into the bathroom and shutting the door)

 

Carlo Smith:  (kicking on the bathroom door) Come on you, kill me!  Come out here!

 

THE PHONE RINGS AT THE PORKLEONE ESTATE.  WEDGE ANSWERS THE PHONE.  CONNIE POKEY PORKLEONE IS CRYING ON THE OTHER END.  WEDGE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND RUNS OUT TO HIS CAR.  

 

MOMENTS LATER WEDGE IS DRIVING AT HIS CAR TO GO TO CONNIE POKEY’S APARTMENT. HE STOPS AT A TOLL BOOTH.  THE CAR IN FRONT OF HIM IS STALLED.  

 

Wedge Sonny Porkleone:  Come (yelling at the car in front of him)  Hurry up!  This is more painful than watching Andre Williams in the catching drills at the combine.  The guy had 0 catches last year for BostonCollege – 0!  But what a physical runner he is.

 

SUDDENLY THE CAR BEHIND WEDGE BUMPS HIM, TRAPPING HIS CAR BETWEEN THE TWO CARS.  THE TOLL BOOTH DRIVER DUCKS.  

 

FOUR MEN WITH TOMMY GUNS JUMP UP IN THE TOLL BOTH NEXT TO WEDGE AND OPEN FIRE ON HIS CAR.  TWO MEN FROM THE CAR IN FRONT OF WEDGE AND TWO MEN FROM THE CAR BEHIND WEDGE STEP OUT OF THEIR RESPECTIVE CARS AND OPEN FIRE ON WEDGE TOO.  

 

WedgeShot

 

WEDGE TRIES TO GET OUT OF HIS CAR.  HE STEPS OUT BUT FALLS AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE CAR AFTER BEING SHOT HUNDREDS OF TIMES

 

LATER THAT DAY MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE IS RELEASED FROM THE HOSPITAL.  HE IS SITTING IN HIS BED AT THE PORKLEONE ESTATE WHEN TOM GPS CONSIIGLIEIRI ENTERS THE ROOM.

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  che triztizza,  Wedge is dead, my son is dead (a tear falls from his eye) …its even in the newspaper…look! (showing the newspaper to GPS)

 

WedgeDeadDailyNews

 

Tom GPS Consiglieiri:  (electronic cry)  I just heard the news!  Now I know how NC State felt after Andre Williams ran for 339 yards against them.  He actually ran for almost 900 yards against three teams in a three game span!

 

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  GPS, this war is going to get a lot of people we love killed.  We have to end it.  I want you to set up a meeting of the five proteins.

 

THE NEXT DAY, AT THE MEETING OF THE FIVE PROTEINS ALL OF THE HEADS OF THE FIVE PROTEINS SIT IN A ROOM.  AT THE MEETING MUSTACHIO VITO IS THERE FOR THE PORKLEONES, BELICHEAT BARZINI IS THERE FOR BEEF, REX TATTAGLIA IS THERE FOR CHICKEN, CARMINE CUNNEO IS THERE FOR FISH AND VICTOR STRACCI IS THERE FOR TURKEY

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  Don Barzini, I want to thank you for helping me organize this meeting of the five proteins. How did things ever get so far? I don’t know. It was so — unfortunate — so unnecessary.  Tattaglia lost a son — and I lost a son. We’re quits. And if Tattaglia agrees, then I’m willing to — let things go on the way they were before…

 

SUDDENLY THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR INTERRUPTING THE MEETING.

 

Tofu:  (knocking on the door)  Open up guys its Tofu.  Sorry I’m late…

 

Rex Tattaglia:  Oh no its Tofu!

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  Nobody likes Tofu

 

Carmine Cunneo:  How did he find out about this meeting…no matter.  We have to get rid of him

 

Tofu:  (knocking on the door)  Come on guys…people like Tofu…let me in this one meeting…come on…I can help you guys be crime lords…

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  (talking through the door) eh…um…sorry Tofu, you just…eh…missed the meeting…eh…everyone went home already…thanks for stopping by though…I will tell everyone you said “hi”

 

Tofu:  (upset)  Oh dammit…alright I get it guys  (he kicks a can on the ground and leaves)

 

AND SO TOFU FORMED HIS OWN GANG, HE JOINED FORCES WITH SOY MILK AND SEITAN.  TOGETHER UNDER THE NAME OF THE SUBSTITUTE GANG, THE TRIO ROBBED 68 BANKS IN 44 STATES BEFORE THEY WERE ARRESTED.  

 

TheSubstituteGang

 

TOFU RECEIVED THE GAS CHAMBER FOR HIS CRIMES.  SEITAN DIED IN PRISON OF SYPHILLIS AND SOY MILK WAS MADE INTO A FOAMY CAPPUCCINO AT STARBUCKS.

 

BACK TO THE MEETING OF THE FIVE PROTEINS

 

Belicheat Barzini:  Mumble mumble mumble we’re all grateful to Don Porkleone for calling this meeting. We all know him as a man of his word — a modest man — he’ll always listen to reason.  Mumble mumble mumble.

 

Rex Tattaglia:  (eating a chicken sandwich)  Yes, Don Barzini — he’s too modest. He had all the judges and referees in his pocket. He refused to share them…

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  When did I ever refuse an accommodation.  All of you know me here — when did I ever refuse? — except one time. And why? Because — I believe this drug business — is gonna destroy us in the years to come. I mean, it’s not like gambling or liquor — even women — which is something that most pigs want nowadays.  Even the police departments that’ve helped us in the past with gambling and other things are gonna refuse to help us when in comes to narcotics. And I believed that — then — and I believe that now

 

Belicheat Barzini:  Mumble mumble mumble Oinks have changed. It’s not like the Old Days — when we can do anything we want. A refusal is not the act of a friend. If Don Porkleone  had all the judges, and the referees in New York, then he must share them, or let us others use them. He must let us draw the water from the well.   Mumble mumble mumble.

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  I hoped that we would come here and oink together. And as a reasonable razor I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to — find a peaceful solution to these problems…

 

Belicheat Barzini:  Mumble mumble mumble Then we are agreed. The traffic in drugs will be permitted, but controlled — and Don Porkleone will give up protection in the East — and there will be the peace. Mumble mumble mumble.

 

Rex Tattaglia:  But I must have strict assurance from Corleone — as time goes by and his position becomes stronger, will he attempt any individual vendetta?

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  You talk about vengeance — is vengeance gonna bring your son back to you? Or my boy to me? I forgo the vengeance of my son — But I have selfish reasons. I have to make sure my youngest son, Piggy can be safe.  But I’m a superstitious razor — and if some unlucky accident should befall him — if he should get shot in the head by a police officer — or if he — should hang himself in his jail cell — or if becomes a delicious nugget of chorizo — then I’m going to blame some of the people in this room. And that, I do not forgive——But — that aside — let me say that I oink — on the souls of my grandpiglets — that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today…

 

REX TATTAGLIA AND MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE HUG AND THE ROOM APPLAUDS

 

ON THE RIDE HOME FROM THE MEETING TOM GPS CONSIGLIERI AND MUSTACHIO VITO ARE TALKING IN THE CAR

 

Tom GPS Consiglieiri:  When I meet with Tattaglia’s chickens, should I insist that they all have clean records

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  Mention it, but don’t insist.  Barzini will know that without being told

 

Tom GPS Consiglieiri:  You mean Tattaglia?

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  Tattaglia is Barzini’s pimp!  It was Barzini all along…oh by the way, did you know Andre Williams had  28 TDs in college.  18 in his senior year.  If the Dolphins want a big bruising short yardage back, he might be their guy.

 

 

LATER BACK AT THE PORKLEONE ESTATE, MUSTACHIO, GPS, PIGGY, KAY APONTE, JOANNA TESSIO AND RICHIE CLEMENZA ARE IN MUSTACHIO’S OFFICE

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  Okay so there is is, I am semi-retired and Piggy is the new head of the Porkleone family…the new Oinkfather

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  (a tear is in his eye)  Oh Papa, I am so happy to be the….

 

Kay Aponte:  Thank you so much for making me Oinkfather.  (hugging Mustachio)

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  You???  He said Piggy…didn’t you hear him?

 

Kay Aponte:  That’s right!  Me!  Piggy!  (she hands the real Piggy a document showing she changed her name to Piggy)  So I am in charge!

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  Um…I think he meant me

 

Kay Aponte:  No he meant me!  Piggy!  Isn’t that right Vito?

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  em….um…I guess…

 

Kay Aponte:  Okay so the first order of business is Andre Williams…Did you know Bucky Brooks compares him to former Steeler Alfred Morris?

 

Tom GPS Consiglieri:  Excuse me Kay…er I mean Piggy…what’s my role

 

Kay “Piggy” Aponte:  My new Consiglieri is Mustachio

 

Tom GPS Consiglieri:  but….

 

Kay “Piggy” Aponte:  Your out Tom!  You are not a wartime consiglieri.  Now about Andre Williams, Ryan Lownes of Bleacher Report gives him much higher praise, comparing him to Marshawn Lynch.

 

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Joana Tessio:  Mustachio (pleading with Mustachio)  You told me one day you would let me leave the Porkleones…to go back to my mommy

 

Richie Clemenza:  Yeah, I want to go back to his mommy too!  (laughing)

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  If Piggy gives his blessing, then you have my blessing

 

Joana Tessio:  Um…which Piggy…

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  Affanculo! (shrugging)

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  I guess its all right if you…

 

Kay “Piggy” Aponte:  After we make our move in Nevada you can break off from the Porkleones

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  Nevada?

 

Kay “Piggy” Aponte:  That’s right!  Time to go fuck with Mo Green Ireland

 

THE FOLLOWING DAY PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLOENE AND KAY APONTE ARRIVE AT A CASINO OWNED BY MO GREEN IRELAND.  THEY GO UP TO A SUITE IN THE HOTEL AND FIND FREDO GRIFFIN PORKLEONE AND DRAGON FONTAINE IN A ROOM WITH A GROUP OF PROSTITUTES.  WHEN KAY AND PIGGY WALK IN THE DOOR, FREDO GRIFFIN GREETS THEM

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:  Hey Piggy, I’m smawt!  Look at me!

 

Kay “Piggy” Aponte:  So talk to me when you say “Piggy”…

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:  Eh…I don’t feel so smawt anymore….

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  Where is Mo Green Ireland?

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:  He’s left for now.  But he left all these girls for us!  (he starts dancing in place)

 

Kay “Piggy” Aponte:  Send the girls home, we are here for business.  And bring Ireland here!

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  wait a second….

 

THE PROSTITUTES ALL LEAVE THE ROOM

 

Kay “Piggy” Aponte:  (to Dragon Fontaine)  Look Dragon, we are going to need to to appear and do a few shows a month (handing him a contract) going forward

 

Dragon Fontaine:  Sure…anything for my Oinkfather…

 

MO GREEN IRELAND WALKS IN THE ROOM

 

MoIrelandGreen2

 

Mo Green Ireland:  Hey, what happened to all the Dez Bryant Mothers I had here here?

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:  Piggy sent them home

 

Mo Green Ireland:  Piggy, why did you do that, you don’t throw a prostitute away like it was a second round draft pick or something like that

 

Kay “Piggy” Aponte:  Ireland, we are buying you out

 

Mo Green Ireland:  You are buying me out?  No I buy you out!  You Porkleones crack me up.  I take Fredo in when you are having a tough time, and then you try to push me out

 

Kay “Piggy” Aponte:  Wait a second, you took Fredo in because the Porkleones bank rolled your casino…and to make up for the Michael Egnew pick you made…asshole

 

Mo Green Ireland:  Yeah, I guess I messed that one up, but how bout that Daniel Thomas pick?  Or Pat White?  Or Patrick Turner?  Or um…shit…

 

Kay “Piggy” Aponte:  I’m leaving for New York tomorrow, think about a price!

 

BACK AT THE PORKLEONE ESTATE, MUSTACHIO VITO IS PLAYING WITH HIS TWO GRANDPIGLETS IN THE MUD

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  (rolling int he mud with the two piglets)Buon divertimento, retirement is the best.

 

Piglet #1:  Oink

 

Piglet #2:  Oink and Oink

 

Mustachio Vito Porkleone:  Oh, something feels strange (clutching his chest) il mio cuore.  (Mustachio collapses in the mud and dies)

 

Piglet #1:  Oink

 

Piglet #2:  Oink and Oink

MjustachioDiesinMud

Editor Biography

Chiefen Walker was conceived and born from two joyous primates at the end of the lovefest known as the ‘60s. Forced to endure the television shows of the ‘70s, and inspired by Captain Kirk, The Six Million Dollar Man, and Batman...

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