JAXSON DE VILLE. THE MASCOT FOR THE JAGUARS STANDS IN FRONT OF A PODIUM IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE OF MASCOTS.  THERE ARE TEARS IN HIS EYES

 

Jaxson De Ville:  What I did was wrong (wiping a tear from his eyes).  I take full responsibility for my actions.  The Ebola joke was in poor taste.

 

towels-carry-ebola

 

Jaxson De Ville:  What I did does not represent the character and integrity of my position as mascot.  People look up to me.  They expect me to dance poorly after touchdowns and nod my oversized head up and down cheering for a winless team like I am oblivious to how much my team sucks…instead of giving them something to be proud of, I made a bad joke.  (He cries a little louder)  I just thought that no one would take a me seriously because I have  permanent smile and a tshirt with a paw on it…I mean Jaguars don’t stand on their hind legs and root for a football in real life…how stupid are these fucking humans to tell me something is not funny…Look how huge my head is!  Its ridiculous!  That’s funny!

 

Miles Thunder II (Broncos Mascot):  Now Jaxson (placing a hoof on his shoulder) Remember why you are here…

 

Jaxson De Ville:  I’m sorry guys…what I meant to say is I regret it.  The Ebola joke was not funny.  And I cannot be the mascot representative going forward.  You will have to find a new representative, someone with a clean record. 

 

Miles Thunder II:  Its okay buddy (hugging Jaxson) we’ve all been there.  I myself have a transgression or two.  I thought it was funny to make fun of contagious diseases.  And even if its not to humans – well can’t a mascot do it?  No one takes a mascots seriously.  Everyone thought it was funny when I used to waive around the toilet seat that said “herpes” on it during the 70’s, but when I waived around the box of condoms that read “Kardashian” – well that was going too far I guess.  People just don’t think disease is funny anymore (he shrugs)

 

Jaxson De Ville:  I’m just so disappointed in myself.  I was ready to go to the owner’s meetings as your mascot representative and demand higher wages and shared showered with the cheerleaders…but I embarrassed all of us as mascots.

 

Big Red (Cardinals Mascot): It happens to the best of is Jaxson.  I remember my low point.  I was doing the worm in front of 60,000 fans.  They loved it.  All of them cheering.  We were getting our ass kicked by the 49ers 42-0.  What else were they going to watch?  

 

Jaxson De Ville:  There is no better time for breakdancing then when you are losing 42-0.  It’s a scientific fact! 

 

Big Red:  I know!!!  Everything was fine, then I realized…I pulled my groin mid-worm…I grabbed my groin because it hurt.  But you know the show must go on! So I hit the ground again, holding my groin while doing the worm…

 

Miles Thunder II:  The show must go on!

 

Big Red:  Problem is…everyone just thought I was masturbating in prone position.  I can’t imagine what it looked like as I held my groin thrusting at the floor… they started to boo loudly.  It got ugly.  it was free golf ball night and I got hit by about 400 golf balls until I ran off the field into the locker room.  

 

big red

 

Jaxson De Ville:  That is horrible, but it was a mistake.  

 

Big Red:  The General manager confronted me about it after the game.  I could not admit that I hurt myself doing the worm… a mascot’s gotta be able to breakdance right?  So I told them the urge just came over me while watching the cheerleaders…oddly enough the general manager accepted the explanation and fined me for the act.  But I never lived it down.  The cheerleaders scowl at me during games now and mothers don’t let their children speak to me.  Last week Larry Fitzgerald punched me in the face for no reason.  He just punched me!  (He collapses and cries)      

 

Raider Rusher (Raider Mascot):  In Oakland you can masturbate in front of the fans if you want…I do that every few weeks without a hassle….But  you can’t make a little side money after the game selling molly to kids…so needless to say I can’t be the representative…and that is all I am saying about that, per my lawyer’s instructions…

 

Roary (Lions Mascot):  Those judgmental bastards!  I thought  I was the only one who got fined for that!  Can you believe it’s twice the fine for meth!

 

PeddlingRoary

 

Miles Thunder II:  I think we might be getting a little off topic here…

 

Rowdy (Cowboys Mascot):  Drugs (letting out a sarcastic laugh) you think humans judge harshly for that?…trying seeing their reaction after you get caught selling human organs on the black market

 

Who Dey (Bengals Mascot):  You thing that is bad.  I used to work for tender vittles.  You should see the shit they put in cat food.

 

Rowdy:  I knew you looked familiar!  I think I sold you some organs once!

 

Rampage (Rams Macot):  I dropped out of the 2nd grade (standing up and awkwardly admitting his secret)

 

Chomps (Browns Mascot):  Dude  (Tapping Rampage on the shoulder) I can’t even go within 100 feet of a school…

 

Chomps

 

Billy Buffalo (Bills Mascot):  I used to suck dick for crack money…(he stands up)  And I loved it!  I loved it!!!

 

Miles Thunder II:  GUYS!!! Stop!  We are here to find a representative for all of the mascots.  Someone with a clean record.  Someone that humans will trust as the face of mascots.  Who here can say that about themselves?  

 

IT’S AWKWARDLY SILENT

 

Staley Da Bear (Bear Mascot):  I have a clean record

 

Viktor Ragnar (Vikings Mascot):  Me too! 

 

STALEY DA BEAR TAKES OUT A KNIFE AND STABS VIKTOR RAGNAR 

 

Staley Da Bear:  Don’t interrupt me!!!  My Mother used to interrupt me!!!

 

ViktorStabbed

 

Miles Thunder II:  um…we might go in a different direction (he steps over the bleeding Vikings mascot who is dying on the floor)  hey…how bout you Pat Patriot?  You are from a respectable franchise, I don’t know any dirt about you…how bout it?

 

Pat Patriot (Patriots Mascot): Well there is that video thing…   

 

Miles Thunder II:  What…Spygate???  No one cares about that anymore…

 

Pat Patriot:  No, not Spygate.  I make snuff fuzzy movies and sell them…it’s not a big deal…I kill of NHL Mascots and film it…no one cares about NHL Mascots right?

 

MacotSnuffMovie

 

Miles Thunder II:  eh…anyone else?

 

Toro (Texans Mascot):  You know…I bet no one even notices I’m a hermaphrodite…

 

Swoop (Eagles Mascot):  Does the job involve Tuesdays or Thursdays? (whispering)  Tuesdays and Thursday are my garter wearing days…and its impossible for people to hear me when I’m wearing panties on my face.

 

Miles Thunder II:  (placing his hooves over his face in disappointment)  Surely there must be one of us.  He looks at T-Rac, the Titans Mascot)

 

T-Rac:  Don’t look at me I got rabies…and what the fuck are the Titans doing with a raccoon as a mascot anyway…

 

T-Rac

 

Miles Thunder II:  Its over for us I guess

 

SUDDENLY THE DOORS OPEN AND T.D., THE DOLPHINS MASCOT, WALKS IN THE ROOM

 

T.D.:  Hey guys, sorry I’m late.  On the way I passed a burning school and I had to stop to save all the kids inside.  (He wipes sweat from his brow)  Man…you won’t believe how hard it is to carry 238 kids out of a burning building.   I am wiped out, especially after volunteering all day at the hospital…you know you cure one terminal patient, and you have to cure 20…you know how it goes…

 

Jaxson De Ville:  T.D., you seem like a pretty clean cut mascot…

 

T.D.:  Clean cut?  Oh, I don’t; know about that.  I’m trying to cut down on my sugar.  Its bad for you.

 

Blue (Colts Mascot):   No!, bad for you is melting spiders so you can shoot them intravenously!

 

Boltman (Chargers Mascot):  or cutting yourself using power tools!

 

Miles Thunder II:  (nudging Blue and Boltman away)  Um…be quiet guys…so T.D. You seem like a nice guy.

 

T.D.:  Nice…yeah, I guess so…but my wife…there is a saint…without her, I would be in a lot of trouble…hey did I ever show you guys a photo of my wife and kids?

 

TheTd Family

 

Jaxson De Ville:  Oh…what a beautiful family 

 

Miles Thunder II:  yes…a perfect family…(to Jaxson) they will love him…(to T.D.) Hey T.D. what do you think about being the Mascot Representative?

 

T.D.:  Does it involve profanity?  Because I won’t have any part of anything that involves profanity.

 

Miles Thunder II:  No…eh…it does not involve profanity as far as I know

 

Sir Purr (Panthers Mascot):  The Fuck it doesn’t!!!

 

Jaxson De Ville:  Not now Sir Purr!

 

Sir Purr:  Sorry (ashamed)  mild tourettes….

 

Miles Thunder II:  (pointing T.D. out to all the other mascots) He’s perfect!  We have our perfect mascot right here!

 

T.D.:  I guess I can be the Mascot Representative…if it will make the world a better place

 

Pat Patriot: Hey, we can’t use T.D. , the Dolphins are a .500 team

 

Rowdy:  Yeah…no one wants a mascot from an average team!

 

ALL THE OTHER MASCOTS NOD IN AGREEMENT

 

Miles Thunder II:  Oh Fuck it….Let’s just go with the guy who used to suck dick for crack money

 

AFTER THAT DAY, THE MASCOTS OF THE NFL WOULD REMAIN UNDERPAID, UNAPPRECIATED AND UNABLE TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT DISEASES

 

T.D.:  Dolphins 38, Jacksonville 3…For the Mascots!!! 

 

Editor Biography

Chiefen Walker was conceived and born from two joyous primates at the end of the lovefest known as the ‘60s. Forced to endure the television shows of the ‘70s, and inspired by Captain Kirk, The Six Million Dollar Man, and Batman...

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